TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historic culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be huge. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed in the Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A number of the finest. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully away from area. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let's have An additional place the place American Males can dress in robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though past negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: offer Every person a suite within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth electric power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It's that he really should halt using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the task, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great people. Terrific tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head seen from Room, a function remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after finding the creating's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It can be not only ugly. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Features


Perhaps the strangest aspect on the tower is its Trump Tower Damascus Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees might ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local weather control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Method: "In case you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Endlessly."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "where by's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting attention from Intercontinental traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll obtain a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount may also consist of:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to discover a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge the place my PTSD might have convert-down support."


A different publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reviews advise:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide formed like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You are welcome."

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